Operation S.A.B

Posted: June 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

Morning everybody! Due to my continuous writer’s block, I have decided to have more guest posts on my blog. Todays hilarious post was written by @Terdoh. He also has his a blog which you y’all should check once your done here Enjoy!

Time: 12 decibels past noon, African time
Place: 2 thousand miles above the earth’s stratosphere.
Mission: …currently unclear.
Private: Sir! We’re getting strong readings sir. Flying saucers just entering earth’s orbit! What line of action do we take sir?
Lieutenant: Hollup niccuh! Last time it was a fucking balloon advertising pizzas and y’all were getting hyper about food-obsessed “aliens”. Let them land first! Bloody American, always wanting to carry first! Why can’t you do like the Warri people and just try not to carry last?
Private: Terribly sorry sir.
Lieutenant: Sorry for ya stupid sef. Where is the hot-air-food-balloon hovering over again?
Private: It’s hovering over 10 00N, 8 00E sir!
Lieutenant: Isn’t that close to the Atlantic?
Private: Affirmative sir!
Lieutenant: Good. They probably want to baff before they show face for yankee. Let them be.
Meanwhile, in Elegushi beach, 3 flying saucers just landed, but Unilag Yoruba peeps were too drunk and faded to even notice them…besides, it was a mask party, and all the ugly Yoruba girls were wearing costumes, so…
The aliens, 12 of them, alighted and walked right into the water where the head of the mammy wattas (yes, that is the correct spelling for those of you who do not know…you think fine babes will not want their own copyrighted name?) was chilling.
[Side note: I don’t know the name of the Head of the mammy wattas, and I want this post to be historically correct as my great-great-great-grandfather told me yesterday. But as a kid, Nneka was the pretty serpent, so we’ll just call her Nneka. Cool? No? Well, I’m writing this shit so…]
Nneka: Welcome, ugly someborris… Refresh my memory. What is it you wanted again?
Alien Leader Zardoff The Fugly one (That’s his name, ask my grandfather): We want 34 of your finest shawties.
Nneka: And may I ask why?
Alien Leader Zardoff The Fugly one (I swear, na the name be dat): Silverbird is holding a beauty pageant and we want all the contestants to be from us, so we can fully control the outcome of the pageant, and ultimately rule the world!
*stifled laughter at the back of the alien lineup*
Nneka: Sounds good to me. What do you have to offer?
Zardoff (The Fugly one): All we have is 3 million naira and two gay guys from Glee and Eclipse
(I don’t want to mention any names like Edward but you guys get the picture right? Cool. Moving on…)
Nneka: With that, you can only get 3 fine girls, 2 medium, and the remaining 29? Well, all I can say is they know fellatio.
Zardoff (The Fugly one): That will do. Thank you very much.
*Pageant starts, Wande Cole sings 10 year old songs, Contestants don’t put in too much effort as aliens have already told them the winner, Miss Taraba represents hausa people all over the world, causes yet another Tsunami in Asia, TuFace doesn’t show up as aliens wish to keep the contestants un-pregnant, D’Banj cannot make G.O.O.D music, doesn’t show up either, Dr. Sid doesn’t know why microphone was invented, keeps shouting nonetheless…aliens fast forward time to after pageant*
Then the aliens gather the contestants to one room for a meeting.
Zardoff: Wait a minute! I talked to Nneka the not-so-pretty serpent by our standards. Why do I have to talk to these ones too? Odin will not be pleased?
@d3ola: Well, 1. It’s my blog! 2. I have administrative rights not to post this shit, so you better do as @terdoh says. (@terdoh in the back nodding lightly and typing really fast) 3. Your standards aren’t substantial. Have you cracked a mirror today? 4. Odin? Odin-a-barbie? Please! Now do as @Terdoh says!
Zardoff: *sigh* Fine. *turns to face contestants* You know why you are here right?
Miss Bayelsa: No? Why?
Zardoff: First of all! I was talking to @TheDelphinator. She’s known on twitter and she’s really cool. I dunno who the fuck you are. Second, I know you need to be debriefed. Mr. Carter, could you help us out here?
*Jay Z steps forward.*
Zardoff: No, not you dawg! The fine one!
*Lil’ Wayne steps up*
Weezy: So ladies, you have been recruited for one purpose and one purpose only! *pause for effect* Operation S.A.B! (It’s weezy, so it sorta rhymed)
@TheDelphinator : Nigguh what?
Weezy: S.A.B. Get it into your head. Operation Steal Agege Bread.
Zardoff: Well, technically, it’s Operation Seize Agege Bread if you guys refuse to give it to us…but you won’t cos we asked nicely. Right?
Contestants: So you called us here, to steal agege bread for you?
Zardoff: That’s the idea. Yes…
Contestants: *Unanimously* Bullshit! *start leaving one by one until Miss Kano is left*
Zardoff: Will you help us Ugly miss? You will be handsomely repaid.
Miss Kano: Fine. What do I have to lose anyway?
So the aliens attacked the innocent city of agege with all its razz inhabitants and forced them out and conquered their land and stole their bread like some old King-James-David-Conquering-The-Philistines shit.
Operation S.A.B was successful.
It was time to return home, so they released Jay Z, Weezy, and Diddy (Diddy was only taken because his name used to be Puff…you know, Puff Puff? Yeah. They were going to release him anyway, aliens don’t like dirty money)
Miss Kano: Before you guys go, I have 3 questions. 1. All you guys came for was Agege Bread. What happened to all the Aliens-Come-To-Take-Over-The-World shit you guys put up?
Zardoff: Fuck that! That’s just a ploy by all the ugly US Government officials to scare people. We’re not interested in your world! You guys fart. We don’t like that shit. We keep telling y’all to preserve the ozone…
Miss Kano: Omo, you sabi talk oh! Make I ask my second question na. Shuooo!?
Zardoff: Are you from Kano? Or Warri?
Miss Kano: Shattap! Now, why Agege bread?
Zardoff: Our initial plan was to steal agbalumo, but it’s sticky and only comes in season. Agege Bread is all year long and it never dimini..
Miss Kano: Yeah, whatever niokar. Where is my handsome reward?
Zardoff: Oh yeah. That. *D’Banj nod* *flicks finger, zaps Miss Kano’s face and moonwalks into saucer*

Conclusion: Miss Kano goes home and discovers that the aliens have turned her into a very handsome young lady. Talk about a handsome reward. But that’s by the way. In more important news, I went outside for my regular Sunday dose of Agege Bread, beans, ogi and moin moin and I discovered that all the Agege bread was actually gone. The aliens booked till next Wednesday. Aint that a bitch?

Disclaimer: My great-great-great grandfather told me this shit aite? He smokes weed. I don’t. And I’m not racist, I yabbed the three Nigerian tribes adequately…focusing on Hausa, cos I fall under it.
*insert end-time soundtrack here*

The End!

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Comments
  1. papyrusczar says:

    LMAO! Fucking retarded. I like it

  2. MsBukonla says:

    this guy is not ok at all

  3. Pha't says:

    Rotflmao!!! Dude I should totally associate wit u more, I love mad people. Lol.

  4. Err… Chai! I don’t even know where to start sef… One things for sure nioqqarr, I want the weed your great-great-great grandfather has been smoking.
    Ahn ahn…lwkmd!!!

  5. OOkpoechi says:

    hahahahaha

  6. Efe says:

    Totally nice start to my week. Lol.

  7. amina says:

    Hahahahahahahahaahahaha!!!
    This shit is hilarious!

  8. wura says:

    That was AWESOME

  9. freshprinz says:

    Smh….terdoh has officially lost it. 3 fine gehs, 29 fugly ones & 2 ‘medium’??? Medium ke??? Na steak??
    Btw, thanks for putting Ms. Bayelsa in her place. Yeye geh speaking outta turn simply cos she’s fiiiiiine….Mschew. We all knew u shudda won….:|
    Mad stuff…my head hurts from all d shaking….

  10. ibetapassmynebo says:

    Haha…@terdoh nice one….funny

  11. i_rep_mars says:

    *smfh* :s 😀 :s 😀 :s 😀 :s 😀 :s 😀 :s 😀 *smh*

  12. ThinkTank! says:

    So thats where all the agege bread went. Bloody Aliens! *dialing Chuck Norris’s private number*

  13. Bwuahahahaha…OMDzzz…Terdoh…u’r insane…but I love ur kinda insanity…U n KWAL must be cerebral twins…cos God knows ur brains were made in the same place. This is a classic mehn. Great job bruv. And great job Deola for having him.

  14. tobicomm says:

    Hahahaha. Hilarious!

  15. PreyingMantis says:

    Terdoh or Terdohra you had me at decibels. F for foolery

  16. terdoh says:

    Thanks guys! *Throws up* I actually feel funny. 😀

  17. MzChique says:

    I can’t get enuf of terdoh’s insanity…major reason I love him tho*muaaahhhhh*

  18. TheExtrovertKid says:

    LOL!!! Once again, I say it: Terdoh has to be committed to the nearest mental facility. This is brilliant writing.

  19. BukiOgelay says:

    But crusly are you sure its just ur great great great grandfather dt smokes me #raisedeyebrow bcz I tink sum1 has stolen grandpaz weed nwayz lovely post made mi laff alot

  20. Ekwe says:

    A clinically insane person wrote this. darris all.

  21. BoukkieO says:

    nice… I like!

  22. This boy is not normal any more… LMAO!! (Y) nice one… as usual!

  23. 0latoxic says:

    😐 Seriously, what’s funny? I don’t get it *pause* *twitches* *Bursts into uncontrollable fits!* *exits scene still in uncontro…. yeah you get the point*

  24. Amina Dantata says:

    OmG. This guy’s freaking insane. Me likey!!

  25. xxx tube says:

    Wow Your site is of the chain

  26. […] I kid. A couple of people have DM’d me asking why I don’t do guest posts. Haba. After all the ones I did. Granted, e don tey, and dem no plenty, but haba. (Those are the links by the […]

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